Insomnia, AVON, and Delusions of Grandeur

Wow...I've got so much running through my mind I don't know what to do.  First, it's 5:34 a.m. and I haven't slept at all.  This isn't actually that uncommon, as I seem to have acquired vampirish sleeping patterns (though I require chocolate to exist, not blood).  Tomorrow is going to be a busy day, so I should have slept.  Oh well, I guess that's why coffee was created.  I just want to warn you in advance this post could be extremely rambley, and I can tell already I'm gonna be making up a lot of words, because I've already used two words that aren't actually wordy (see?  There's three.)

I haven't posted for a while, but I have a fairly good excuse.  I never follow through with things.  Oh, wait--no, I meant to say that I've been really busy! :)  The school year for my son is officially underway, so I have to spend time nagging, threatening, guilting, browbeating, admonishing and blackmailing (these are my duties as teacher, as I see it).  I also acted on one of my spur-of-the-moment harebrained ideas and became an AVON representative.  Oddly enough, and somewhat out of character for me,  I actually am really working at it, and I believe I'm going to be somewhat successful.  It definitely takes me out of my comfort zone, because I'm not at all assertive and I feel extremely uncomfortable suggesting that someone buy something from me.  This particular shortcoming made me stupendously ineffective as a Mary Kay consultant bzck in the 80's, and unfortunately generated a $1,000 loss, which made me exceedingly unpopular with my spouse. I would have the Mary Kay party, which I enjoyed up until the point where I was supposed to close the sale.  I felt so guilty, because it was my friends and family that hosted the first few parties, and I knew the people in attendance couldn't afford Mary Kay.  So I would diffidently mumble my little Mary Kay phrases (I swear, they told you exactly what you were supposed to say for almost every situation.  I'm surprised they didn't have a script for how to ask to go to the bathroom!)  Anyway, I didn't succeed at Mary Kay, and consequently I consider myself someone who isn't a salesperson (not to mention my husband's opinions of my competency).

However, I'm older, wiser, and less concerned with other people, and more concerned with myself now.  I'm also selling a product that is reasonably priced, and the people I'm offering my services to aren't living at or below poverty level.  I also did some research on AVON as a company, and they are extremely active in fighting Breast Cancer, as well has having funds and education for Domestic Violence awareness and a campaign to raise awareness of teen relationship abuse (did you know that 1 in 5 teens in a serious relationship report being physically abused by a partner?  That's appalling.)  AVON also has a fabulous fund-raising program, and I'm researching ways to make money and help out some worthy organizations.   Win/win!

Next, my friend Cheryl had a fabulous idea for me to start teaching piano again and become a vendor for a couple of the charter schools.  This idea follows an event from a couple of weeks ago where another homeschool mom offered to sell me a piano (I haven't had one for almost 8 years).  I used to have 30 piano students, and that was one of the happiest times of my life.  I won't attempt that many students, but I'm thinking I could handle 10 or so.  That would be a nice little pile of money every month, and it's something I can do physically.  My goal is to acquire enough money to go to school to be a makeup artist ($3k), then start a fund to buy a house (I'm so tired of renting).  I'd like to go on a cruise to Hawaii next spring (www.vacationstogo.com has great deals). I also can have a fund raiser for my own homeschool (yep, they'll let you do that) and hopefully fund David's curriculum/online tuition. Finally, for the past 8 years I've had this grandiose dream for David and I to sail on the Queen Mary II to England, do a European tour for 3 or 4 weeks, then ride the QEII home. I would like to do this his senior year, which gives me three years to save. I know his dad wouldn't be able to take of work that long, but he can fly out and spend a couple of weeks with us if he wants. I'm going to make a trip budget, and who knows?  It could happen.

The most amazing transpiration in the past week is that something in my mind has snapped (in a good way) and I want to get healthy.  Not in the "gee, I wish I wasn't sick" way, but in the "I'm going to go to the gym and workout no matter how much it hurts, and quit eating food that will kill me" way.  I pulled out a few books that have been helpful in the past (Andrew Weil is a genius), downloaded some menus from the DLife (diabetes ino) website, researched a yoga facility (I'd really like to do yoga) and chose some classes from the gym I belong to.  Tomorrow (today, actually) I'm going to make a list of everything I need to do--all the doctor's appointments I need to make (including a couple for David--sometimes I suck so much I want to slap myself), a grocery list, etc.  This mindset doesn't happen very often, and I really want to preserve it.  I'm going to write a letter to my future self that will attempt to make my future self continue doing what needs to be done.  Does anyone else do this?  I've written myself letters a couple of times, but unfortunately my future self thinks my past self was being all holier-than-thou when they wrote the letter, and tends to blatantly ignore what the letter says and go right back to the self-destructive patterns.

I want to change.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be a healthy weight.  I want to be diabetes free. I want to be a makeup artist.  I want to be financially independent.  I want to own a house that I love to live in.  I want to travel.  I want to give David a better life.  While I'm pie-in-the-skying, I also want a relationship with a man who loves me, respects me, and doesn't emotionally abuse me.  And you know what?  I deserve all this, and more (okay, I don't really believe that, but I'm working on loving myself).  I believe all you guys would deserve all that, and more, so logically it follows that I'm just as worthy.  I need to stop doing my "'I'm not worthy" schtick and take a big girl pill.  It's time for me to grow up and take care of myself.  Now, because time is speeding so fast that if I don't grab hold now, it's going to be too late by the time I get around to it.

And now, because I'm being a good little AVON lady, here's the addy to my online store.

http://www.youravon.com/proot

If you're one of my local friends, unless you really like online ordering, feel free to call or e-mail and order directly from me.  I think it's faster than the online delivery judging from what I've heard from a couple of people.

Everyone have a WONDERFUL day, and start dreaming some galumping dreams (okay, so how many words did I make up? I'm too tired to count.  I'm also not responsible for the grammatical errors, because if I go back and start trying to make this perfect I'll never publish it.  You all will have to just love me anyway.)  Let me know in the comments what your big dreams are--maybe it will give me some more ideas!

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains 

And we never even know we have the key.

Panic, Poop, and Promise

I have a friend who posts humorous, wacky, outlandish, and just plain weird stuff on Facebook.  A knitting pattern for dog poop. Links to innumerable toilet related videos. Reading her posts is an exhilarating ride through her amazing mind.


A day or so ago she posted a YouTube video, and though I don't usually watch the videos people post(my YouTube subscription list is so long I don't have time for any more!) one of her friend's replies intrigued me.  "Silly Monkey" was the reply.  Huh?  *click*

. 

I actually enjoyed this man's video a lot.  I, too, have struggled with panic attacks, and the usual angst that is common to humanity.  I loved the way he reduced all human emotion to "silly monkeys", and I believe I'll remember his thoughts about fighting the monkeys, or playing with the monkeys.  I was trying to hang with my monkeys, and one threw poop at me.  Maybe I need to take notes the next time I watch the video.

I'm not sure where this post is going....I'm like a gerbil with ADD that was given access to a computer.  I guess I'm thinking a lot about emotional health and psychological stability.  I've run the gamut in my life....I spent a month on my couch in my early adulthood--I was too scared to sleep in my bedroom.  I needed to be by the front door so I could hear if someone broke in.  I was also terrified that someone had sneaked into my house and was hiding somewhere.  I had a route worked out, where I checked the whole house--going in a very specific pattern so the criminal that was going to kill me wouldn't be able to sneak in without my knowledge while I was in another part of the house.  I didn't sleep....I just laid on the couch watching old TV comedies, eating junk food, crying, and being terrified.

I've struggled with depression.  I've been treated with prescription drugs, some that were very detrimental to me, and some that were almost miraculous, IMO.  Depression is so hard, because it becomes this vicious cycle....you feel depressed, so you sleep and/or eat, then you get more depressed...it's vital to break this cycle, but it's like trying to break a concrete wall using only a wet feather.

Let's talk a bit about anxiety.  I grew up in the 60's and 70's and parents just weren't aware that children that appeared fairly normal could have psychological difficulties.  Looking back, I now realize I suffered from extreme anxiety disorder through my entire childhood and youth.  A few examples--I found a little book that I had made in second grade, and it's title was "Poison".  It was about 20 pages of pictures of things that would hurt or kill you if you touched them, or accidentally drank them.  Cleaning products, bug spray, paint, gasoline, normal items.....and perfume, lipstick, and other random things a child shouldn't have been scared of.  And why did I make this little booklet anyway?  In kindergarten, I was terrified someone was going to grab me in their car and take me and kill me.  I only lived 2 blocks from school, but I was absolutely paralyzed with fear.

Then anxiety often eventually leads to panic attacks, which started visiting me in my late teens.  Again, I had no idea what was going on, and as far as I was concerned everyone felt like I did.  Although there was one incident that began my realization that all was not as it should be.  When I was 15 my dad built an addition on to our house, and one of the rooms was my new bedroom.  I could design the whole room--where the windows were, where the closet was (and how big), and then I got to decorate the room any way I wanted.  The main thing I was concerned with was the windows.  I wanted the windows high up on the wall (about 12" below the ceiling).  The windows were rectangular windows that were wide but short.  And why did I choose those windows?  So nobody could shoot me through them.

I've been in places emotionally where I felt fabulous. Meditation, exercise, journaling, really paying attention to what is going on inside me makes such a huge difference.  I love reading self-help books, and I see myself as a fixer-upper.  I'm like the wonderful old Victorian house that is amazing, but the insides are a mess, there's no plumbing, no closets, it needs a new kitchen, and there may or may not be bats in the attic.  I'm my own favorite project, that is until I get to the point where I'm frustrated and want to just sell myself.

But I always come back, hammer, book, and paintbrush (or makeup brushes) in hand, ready to fix up another corner.  I'm sure this is a lifelong project, but I believe the project is worthwhile, and the end result could be breathtaking.