Sunday, August 29, 2010
"I'm okay." "I'm fine." "Nothing's wrong." As a mother, I feel like I'm playing a role....I always have to be in control--calm, cheerful, positive and, above all, okay. I've been going through some major stress recently, and today I'm not okay.
I don't remember my mom ever appearing outwardly the way I'm feeling on the inside. She was a rock--steady, reliable, dependable as the sun and the moon. She's gone now, so I can't talk to her about this, but I wonder: Was she better able to deal with life's complications, or was she just a better actress? Am I weak, or just a poor actress? I don't know.
Any time I cry, my son always gets very concerned. "Are you okay?" he always asks. "I'm fine. Don't worry." My response. Even if I have to stop mid-breakdown and take a couple of deep breaths, so my voice sounds "okay". Tears are streaming down my face, yet I can fake a cheerful voice and say "Don't worry. I'm okay--just a little stressed."
My heart is destroyed, my soul is hemorrhaging, my spirit is broken and fleeing the scene.... but